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Love as an Act of Attention and Care

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Reframing Love as a Way of Being

Love is an act of attention and care. This deceptively simple phrase asks us to reconsider our most fundamental assumptions about what it means to love and be loved. Instead of viewing love as a fleeting feeling, something that comes and goes with mood, circumstance, or chemistry, what if we understood it as a sustained practice, a way of being in the world that shapes both our lives and the lives of those around us?

The traditional conception of love as an emotion has its limitations. Feelings are, by nature, temporary and often reactive. They are vulnerable to fading when challenges arise, and can be heavily influenced by external factors, such as stress, disappointment, or even simple misunderstandings. It’s all too easy to imagine love evaporating in the face of a heated argument or a period of uncertainty. This instability often leaves us questioning the authenticity and permanence of love itself.

The alternative: love as a way of being, offers a more stable and transformative perspective. It is not simply a matter of feeling affectionate or passionate, but rather a conscious choice to act with compassion, patience, and generosity. This approach extends far beyond romantic relationships, influencing how we treat strangers, colleagues, and even ourselves. Acts of attention and care anchor our relationships in commitment, providing a foundation that transcends the emotional highs and lows that inevitably arise.

In practice, this means choosing kindness in moments of conflict, even when affection feels distant. It means showing up for a friend consistently, not just when it is convenient or easy. It means practising empathy toward those we disagree with, offering understanding instead of judgement. These acts are not always accompanied by warm feelings; sometimes, they require bravery and a willingness to resist the temptation towards self-interest or cynicism. In today’s world, where loud voices often proclaim that love is naïve or expendable, standing up for love, through attention and care, can be an act of resistance, perhaps even of revolution.

This perspective echoes the thoughts of philosophers and spiritual leaders alike. Erich Fromm, in his classic book The Art of Loving, argued that love is an active practice rather than a passive emotion. Martin Luther King Jr. described love as a force for justice and community, not merely sentiment. Buddhist teachings frame love, or metta, as a cultivated state of mind, extended universally. These thinkers remind us that love is not something you fall into; it is something you stand in, with intention and commitment.

Reflecting on this reframing, I find myself returning to exercises I once used in workshops, where participants struggled to define love, perplexed by its boundaries. Friendship and sex seemed clear enough, but love remained elusive. The Greeks had many words for love, each capturing a different nuance. Perhaps, then, love’s true definition is found not in the language of feelings, but in the acts that embody attention and care. Once we recognise the mirage of perfect, unending romantic bliss, we are left with something far more enduring: the promise of love as a daily, deliberate practice.

On Valentine’s Day, and every day, this reframing invites us to see love as an act of service, of bravery, and of attention. It challenges us to extend care not just to our loved ones, but to our communities and the wider world. In doing so, we may discover that love is not only worth our time; it is, in fact, the most powerful thing we can offer.

Hospitality: An attitude of heart and mind.

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Hospitality entails much more than a simple greeting or an offer of food or drink. Hospitality is a heartfelt attitude that welcomes others and allows them to come as they are. According to Henri Nouwen, hospitality is creating a welcoming environment for strangers to become friends rather than enemies.

“Hospitality, therefore, means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place. . . Hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the lifestyle of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guest to find his own.”

Hospitality involves inviting people into our space, which includes our lives, minds, emotions, world, and efforts. Hospitality is how we get out of ourselves. It represents the first step toward breaking down the world’s borders. Hospitality is how we transform a biased world, one heart at a time (Joan Chittister).

Racism will exist until you and I begin to accept different races. There will be conflict until you and I start taking the enemy in. There will be classism until you and I start incorporating the other elements of society into our own worlds, lifestyles, parties, and neighbourhoods.

The Benedictine Rule is a tonic for human separation. Benedict welcomes the poor and the pilgrim, the young and the aged, the wealthy and the impoverished, members of our own faith community and passers-by. Every guest is treated with the same kindness, care, decency, and attention.

The difficulty is to provide companionship without confining the guest and independence without abandoning them. “The real host is the one who offers that space where we do not have to be afraid and where we can listen to our own inner voices and find our own personal way of being human.” It entails creating an environment in which new life can emerge and everyone’s talents can flourish. To do so, we must be at home with ourselves and be willing to let go of our fear of change. We must be willing to be vulnerable and adapt to new ways of doing things. We must let go of our narcissism and extreme individualism.

According to Gerald M. Fagin (SJ), hospitality entails being open to what our guests and strangers provide us. We receive a revelation from the visitor that has the potential to improve and enrich our lives, as well as introduce us to new ideas and ways of thinking.

Hospitality entails being sensitive to people and their needs, even anticipating them. Gula notes, “The key to hospitality is ‘paying attention.'” When we pay attention, we free ourselves from self-preoccupation. To be hospitable, we must get out of ourselves and become interested in others.

Often, our lack of hospitality stems from a failure to observe and acknowledge others and their needs—both those of the greater world and those closest to us. Jesus exemplifies that attentiveness. He observed the sick, the excluded, the hungry, and those who went by. God continues to pay attention. As we reflect on Jesus’ ministry, we are called to become more mindful of others in order to continue on Jesus’ ministry.